something enviable

Dear... whoever you are(haha, you must be a someone, must you not?).

So that's it. And we're married. Finally, huh? It must have taken a long time. A long wait, perhaps. Most especially in your part. Although I don't think the hard part is over. No, honey, the hard part is never going to be over.

You decided to marry me. Or we decided to marry each other. There must be something in you that totally caught my attention. You must be one heck of a guy. Because if you weren't, I probably would have married your best friend or maybe someone else who is one heck of a guy. But the fact is, you're here, and I'm here, and we're together and we hope to stay together. And maybe that's why I married you. Because you think there is some life worth wanting behind the gossamer curtains and the darkness of the mind. Because you know that there is something in the end that will make everything worthwhile.

You may probably already know this, but you've permanently just attached yourself to a psycho. It's actually a wonder that you got through to me and actually got to the part where you married me. It makes me wonder how we got this far.

Because you must know by now how obsessive I can become and how hideous I become in the desperate times that I've had that you've seen. You must know that there is a child hidden behind my eyes. You must know of my pains and hurts, my laughter and my jokes. And yet...

I'm sorry if I'm rambling on and on, but you must see, dear, that if we are married, then there is something there after all. People complain about me, about how completely cold I can become and how completely and utterly headstrong and stubborn and just impossible to deal with. And again, maybe that's what drew you to me. Not many people can say that they like me, I'm psycho for goodness' sake! But the fact that you are reading this letter, that you understand, that you grabbed my hand and had a sudden epiphanic and manic state where you said "I Do" means that you really do care.

That you really do love me for who I am.

Baby, I'm not asking for prince charming, or a knight in shining armor.

I'm just asking you to be who you are.

I'm just asking me to remain who I am.

I'm just asking for a love that will make you and me...

something enviable.

Sleep.

What am I trying to say? What am I trying to do? There are so many words, so many feelings, they overwhelm me, choke me. And there is nothing I can do.

For so long...

So very very long... Things... were always there. Things never changed, things were things and that's all things were. And now, in my mind, distortions appear, craziness ensues and I am dropping, dropping, free-falling into the eternal pit of despair of things that have changed and things that are not as they were.

And I am so confused. So desperate to find things as they were, to find that things have not changed that I am still who I am and that I am not who you think I am. I want to scream, and rip my hair out and just strangle myself. I am so filled with rage and wrath that I cannot see what I am doing or where I am going.

I'm going blind.

Blind.

Because I wanted so much. So very much. I wanted so many things. I wanted us to dream. I wanted us to breathe. I wanted you and me. Little Boy, my heart is broken. And yes, it may be because of you. Or no, it may be because of me. For I am now different.

Little Girl is crying. Don't you see? Her eyes are leaking tears of sadness because she knows that you are gone forever and she feels so alone, trapped in a void created by the whirlpool that is change. And like Dorothy, she has been whisked away from you. But unlike Dorothy...

She has no red shoes to clack three times.

No words to say...

No feelings to feel...

Nothing.

There'snoplacelikehome.There'snoplacelikehome.There'snoplacelikehome.There'snoplacelikehome...

And I wonder if I will ever find the peace. And if I will ever find the red shoes that will bring me back to you. Or will we forever remains separated by the mirror of shadows and dreams and objects unseen?

Maybe I should plead. Maybe I should beg. But no matter how much my heart bleeds for you to appear and once again be my knight in shining armor, I know, though I refuse to believe it, it will never be.

I look at my plain black shoes and try clacking my heels together.

There'snoplacelikehome.There'snoplacelikehome.There'snoplacelikehome.There'snoplacelikehome...

Maybe. There is no place like home.

There is no place I can call home...

forgotten

Have we almost forgotten the innocent words we spoke when we were young? Have we almost forgotten the simple games we played? The rooms we discovered and the worlds we explored? Have we forgotten the naive smiles and the genuine laughter we shared?

I would not know. I would not understand. For I do not remember. And it pains me so to say how much I cannot remember and how much I try to, only failing and seeing my mind as an empty and black piece of cloth, stretching, moving, trying to get a glimpse of the light of the memories we once shared.

We had shared so many cherished moments and yet.

There is none I can talk of now.

What has happened to those which we shared? To the times of laughter and pain, to our empty cups of coffee and to the dripping melted chocolate bars in our pockets? To the gumdrops and lollipops, to the peppermints, and the jellybeans?

They are lost as much as the memories of those which I speak of...

They are lost as the wind that used to whip our hair around as we ran around our fields and meadows...

But where?

Where have they gone to?

What fields? What meadows?

And sweets... what sweets? I do not remember anymore. Nor do I remember the words you said, when you had to leave, when you had to let go of my hand, of our memoirs written in tree barks and our dreams that were buried in the ground, including your favorite car and my favorite doll...

And here I go again, in circles and in circles. Not knowing anymore if this is a life of a square or a rectangle or a polygon, not knowing anymore which way we used to go, which path we used to take. And I am lost.

Losing.

My inspiration that is you.

Losing that one thing that keeps me moving forward, that keeps me apart from the empty world that envelopes you and me. And there is nothing I can do because I cannot recall anymore.

And each passing second pains me, because each tick of the Mickey Mouse watch I used to wear reminds me that I cannot hold on to those memories any longer. Because I have and you have...

We all have...

And we're all losing it now.

Our thoughts, our memories, our dreams, our hopes, the faded nightmares and those of which we used to talk of, of things that used to matter, of things that still matter, and those which will forever disappear into the insanity that is the future.

But what can we do? What can I do?

As much as I would force myself to hold on, time is making me let go.
Because I am growing, you are growing.

Apart.

And that is sad. Sadder than the melted chocolate whose form used to make us smile.

Sadder than every single tear drop we shed to the deepness of the ocean of memoirs and ribbons and toys and cars and houses and dresses.

For we are, after all, leaving it all behind, all those we used to love and all those we used to know.

Because we are children no longer. You are not my little boy anymore and I am not a little girl anymore.

Childhood has gone.

Leaving us forgetting.

almost there... maybe...

I had really wanted to trust you. To finally let myself go and lean on you. I had wanted to be able to hold your hand and say that, "Yes. Finally." But things don't work out that way anymore. Things are not meant to be that way.

After all, we are just two people in a world filled with random strangers. What right do we have to cling to each other forever? We are but two strangers made known to each other by the rays of light that shone above, immersing everything but the both of us in the darkness...

I'm scared again.

Because, little boy, I might lose you.

You know, after all, how hard it is for me to lose you, to have no one. To feel all alone again. And I don't want to feel alone again because I don't want to cry anymore because everyone will point at me and laugh at me because I don't look like myself anymore.

Little girl will cease to exist if you are gone, little boy.

That's why I'm scared. You are going so far away, growing up so fast that you're leaving me behind. You know things that do not come to my mind and I remain as I am, holding on to my hope...

our hope...

Or... what used to be our hope and what's left of all the dreams we used to dream together.

But maybe it is a lost hope after all.

You've always been the one who wanted to go out and explore the world while I was the one who followed you, following only because I am scared of not seeing anymore and seeing your shadows in my morbid nightmares every time the moon turns silvery in the midnight sky.

And your shadows will be haunting me even in the day.

Now, you let go of my grasping fingers as you move on, leaving me behind truly.

We were almost there.

Almost.

distance

I was trembling again.

I knew why.

Now I knew why...

I knew why I was shaking so bad that it hurts. That my teeth chatter and grind against each other in every passing second. The winds chase down the ghosts of my past, the horrid and evil ones that have watched over me and had nurtured the darkest side of this being reflected in the cracked, soulless mirror.

I knew.

Damnit.

I knew!

But there was nothing in hell that I could do about it.

And it hurts.

It really hurts.

I want to cry out to them, reach out to them, they who had known of this hurt for the longest, longest, longest time. Since before I had been created, since before the thought of a dark and haunted little girl barely breathing was insinuated in their drug-induced minds.

But that was it, was it not?

They had wanted it to happen. They had wanted to let me feel the pain.

They had wanted so much from me that I would fall down, crippled, immobilized.

Scared.

Hurt.

All over again.

The angels cry for blood, for war. I can hear them. But then, they, too, are unreachable. I wonder. And I wonder. Too much that my head wants to explode with too many haunted and scary thoughts that I start shivering again.

My fingers are frozen, my nails are turning purplish and blue. But that is the pain only on the outside. On the superficial facade that everyone has grown to detest because of the frozen smile and the frozen eyes and the frozen heart. Because that is what they had wanted and that is what they achieved.

I try to reach out.

With all that is left of a broken heart.

No one can hear me. They have grown deaf.

Deaf of my blood-curling screams and screeches.

The shadows overwhelm. They crawl from the sides, wanting to devour every single piece of me that is dark and frozen. They want to feed. Feed on my anger, my wrath, my memories, my pain, my hurt.

They want to feed on the being that is me. Sucking me dry until I am but a skeleton of broken dreams. And I will be left alone.

I will feel alone.

Because that is how it should be. And that is how it has been.

I try to reach out. My purplish and blue fingers and nails desperately, desperately, lusting after the light that once shined above. The light that had grown dimmer and dimmer by each passing of day and each step the shadows take.

The light was far away...

Too far away now...

I had fallen.

And I could not get up.

To loss and gain

There was something different this time. A look that had passed in our faces. And I knew that we could not comprehend the changes we were going through. Honestly...

Honestly...

We are still little children, we know. We are inexperienced, we have no right to say anything, as they say. But then, we are innocent and we are alive. We breathe, holding our hands together, knowing that what we had to whisper to the darkness was something to keep us holding on, to keep us living on...

We are scared because we do not know many things. We are scared because even if there we stand with our hands clasped together, that the darkness is still around, waiting to swallow us all up so that there would be no more hope.

We are what we are.

Children by heart and in spirit. Taken to each one's liking, each is different, unique. Each has an element. You are fire, I am water, she is earth, and the other is wind. But together, we became so strong.

Stronger than any one of us alone.

And we blend together, mix together like the earth who mixes with the ocean and the sky and the sun. One is grounded, one is fiery, one is flighty and one is flowing.

But then, fate has played a trick that any of us had expected. And now. There was nothing. A space in between our clasped hands and we are gone. Losing hope, losing faith, because there was nothing more we had wanted than to stay together and to be together until the time came that our hands were too brittle and old to hold on and that we would fade into the morning sun with smiles on our faces and with content sighs escaping our lips.

But that would never be.

Because one had drifted away.

Because one had gone.

They are not to blame. The other had drifted, had gone astray. Things had shifted towards the wind that had gone a different direction. And her breath was different, her eyes distant as she glanced at us, waving away what we had built up, what we had worked upon.

The one had gone. Forced by fate to move. Forced by need. She had no fault. She had more than an understandable reason. The remaining two understood that, knowing how much it pains the fiery one to let go.

Departure.

She had departed but her heart remains and in that, the remaining two look on, holding onto her heart and her memories, knowing that they should guard it with what's left of their lives.

The two left behind grow stronger each day. They had to. They were guarding a fragile heart of fire. The water and the earth hugged each other, knowing that they had to be stronger, to be able to do what is expected of them.

There was nothing.

There once was four.

Four elements. Four times. Four of everything. Four pairs of hands. Growing.

One had let go.

One was forced to let go.

Two held on.

The tears never came to a stop and their hearts will bleed to no end. Knowing that theirs was such a moment that neither expected. A moment that four would join once again.

One moment.

To lose.

To win.

.shutup.

I'll laugh to keep the noise out. I'll cry to keep my mind off of the things I know scare the crap out of me. With each sob and each giggle, I know my mind will be too occupied to think of you and your stupid songs.

Your stupid songs.

That sing of your life. Your life that I know is just as hard as mine. Maybe worse. Probably worse. But do you have to be so harsh? Do you have to hurt me too much that I am reduced to trying to keep you out by crying and laughing at the same time?

Don't you know how much it hurts?

Don't you know how I feel each song stab me in the stomach and spill my guts out?!

But you don't, don't you? After all, you've only been occupied with yourself lately. With your pretty little toy that is my world and with your pretty little doll that is me. And is that all I am? Wonderful, little mister. You have made my day.

Do you know how many angels have passed me by and asked me if I was alright? Do you know how many demons even tried to haul me away from my spot? But I hold on. Because you need me more than I need you and I know that without me, things will go awry and you will lose your mind.

Little boy, I am your anchor.

Do you know?

Little boy, do you know that I worry until my face turns ashen when I do not hear you cross the floor at night? When I know you're out there, playing with the sharps and the dulls of the lulls of the cruel world we both exist in? But you wouldn't know... It is hidden.

Just like your smile. Hidden in the secret cove of ours.

In our secrets...

In our memories.

In our past.

But what of the future, little boy? What of the hope there used to be, creating a chance that we could run out the door and be ourselves once again? Little children, we are, little boy, and we know that without our future, we will shrivel up and die like the raisins you hate so much.

But I love raisins...

They taste well with the omelets you used to make me when we used to live by our hearts and our minds were closed to the dirtiness that existed beyond that door that the Grown Ups never let us go through.

But I had to protect you.

So I had forgone your rainbow omelets.

You got mad. You got mad at me. And I was crying! You were mad! I didn't want you to be mad at me! I wanted to make you happy! I wanted us to be happy! But you ran! And I had to follow! Because without me, without us together, the world we have so carefully built up will crumble into dust and into our memoirs.

And you left me.

You had gone through the door.

I had to follow.

I found you. You weren't mad.

You weren't looking at me at all.

You grew up...

You left me and grew up...

And now, you're not so little anymore, little boy.

And you play with me because I am still little.

Was it my fault?

Because I did not eat an omelet?

NO! No! NO! No! NO!

It wasn't my fault!

Shuttup!

Stop laughing!

Stop.